Dear Duke...

Dear Duke,

Despite the fact that you are a great college basketball program that deserves respect for your achievements over the last 20 years, I must admit that you have a few flaws that I don't particularly care for:

1) Cameron Crazies - You are not crazy. You are not funny. You are mostly dorks. I do know 2 or 3 people that went to Duke that are actually nice & funny people - I seriously doubt they were "Crazies" when they attended your fine university. You do coordinated chants that are passed out on sheets the weeks before games. This is very high school and sophomoric. Remember, you ARE actually smart people or otherwise you wouldn't be at Duke. You bounce up & down instead of actually watching and understanding the game. You bodysurf people. Did I mention you are in college now? And yes, last but not least, you do not impact the game versus legitimate competition as is evidenced by the last 4 times we have walked into your building & handed your ass to your beloved Blue Devils. Shake it off, there's always next year.

2) Coach K - Obviously a Hall of Famer and even though I am a Tarheel through & through, I can be objective - not something all of my Tarheel brethren can boast of - and I think that Coach K will go down as the greater of the two coaches when it is all said & done. Enough niceties though...let's talk about why I think you are the second coming of Hitler. You are classless and enjoy a backhand compliment to your opponents as much as you enjoy saying "It's about the kids" after every season that you come up ridiculously short of the 18-1 starts you get off to before you enter ACC play. You're a sellout. AMEX & Chrysler ads? Dean may have been approached by Marlboro, but he would have never taken them up on it...amazing that you use it as a recruiting tool though & the play of those ads increases exponentially during tournament time. You're kind of like the reverse of Dean Smith. You won your National Titles early and I'm not convinced you'll ever win another one...particularly with the way you whine about how hard you work on USA Basketball, the back pain, what you did to Pete Gaudet, your f-bomb dropping spouse who is not so fine, not so fine, she doesn't blow my mind, Hey Mickie and the fact that your coaching tree looks strikingly similar to a flagpole. And I don't mean to be mean & pick on physical traits, but if any one human could look more like a rat than you, I'd really be shocked...if they tossed you in a hamster wheel & gave Wojo, Collins & Nate James lab coats on the sidelines, the Duke students would think they were just in biology class and not at a basketball game.

3) Social Lepers - I think this might be the part I actually take personally. Seriously, if the social aspect of college ever creeps into the UNC vs. Duke debate, this is the equivalent of Sam Perkins versus Clay Buckley. I know Matt Doherty had to rebuke the joke about the Duke cheerleaders, but I sure as hell don't. Heck, even Duke students would probably acknowledge that was accurate. But let's get down to business...how many of you out there have been out in Durham? And how many of you have been out in Chapel Hill? I'm sure it's changed a lot in the last 20 years since I was in school, but I can guarantee that Duke students still come to Chapel Hill to have a good time b/c it takes less time to drive to Chapel Hill than it does to walk from one side of Duke's campus to the other. Not to mention bars in Chapel Hill are equated with going out to meet friends, have drinks and socially interact with people...whereas at Duke, if you are fortunate enough to navigate Krzyzewskiville (which I won't even get started on), bars are generally associated with orange jumpsuits...

Perhaps that's why you bounce up & down all the time, find humor in a man in a speedo and get exposed every March?